Signs of abuse can be noted from both the victim and their abuser. You can help by understanding the domestic violence warning signs and risk factors.

The warning signs of someone that may be acting abusively are often subtle, it may include the following:

○ They insults their partner in front of other people or in secret.
○ They dominate the conversation and talk for their partner, controlling the narrative.
○ They check up on their partner all the time, even at work.
○ They use objectifying language to refer to their partner
○ They talk and act as if there is an established hierarchy within the relationship

Warning signs that someone is experiencing abuse may include the following:

○ They make excuses for their partner’s behavior.
○ They become aggressive and angry when others bring up their partner’s behaviour
○ They are constantly worried about making their partner angry.
○ They have unexplained marks or injuries.
○ They’ve stopped spending time with friends and family.
○ They make excuses at the last minute about why they can’t meet you
○ You’ve notice changes in their personality.
○ They seem sad, withdrawn and afraid
○ They are nervous talking when their partner is around.

When talking to someone in a domestic abuse situation, approach the conversation with empathy and care. Choose a private and safe space to talk, and listen without judgment. Respect their decisions and boundaries, and be patient, as it may take time for them to feel safe enough to seek help or make changes. Your support and non-judgmental approach can be a lifeline for someone in need. There is not an one-size-fits-all or objectively "right" way to talk to someone in a vulnerable position, as each individual and situation is unique. However, these are some general guidance of how to approach the conversation.

Know that abuse is often not just physical
○ IPV is not always physical; it can encompass various forms of abuse, with lots of forms of control, such as isolation, economic abuse, degradation, manipulation and gaslighting threats. All of which can be equally damaging and harmful to the victim.

Believe and validate their point of view
○ Trusting their account of the abuse will validate their feelings. Many victims are met with disbelief or blame, so assurance that you believe them is crucial.

You are there to listen, don’t judge, and don’t control their choices
○ “Trying to ‘save’ your friend actually takes more power and control away from them, because you aren't letting them decide what to do. That can be one of our biggest mistakes as helpers” - Rich Ham, PTF Advocate at National Domestic Violence Hotline

Offer your help, but follow their lead
○ Ask: What do you need?

“Stay with them”: Survivors of Intimate Partner Violence Share Insights on How Friends and Family Can Help

Remember that helping someone in an abusive situation can be challenging, and you may face resistance or reluctance from the victim. The idea that intimate partner violence being a private matter is unfortunately still somewhat normalized. But that shouldn’t be the way it is. Each situation is different, and the people involved are all different too. Head to our local resources section to see which services you could utilized in your friend’s situation.

If you see or hear domestic violence actively happening, call 911. Do not be worried about whether the couple or person will be upset or angry with you for calling. You don’t have to give your name if you are afraid for your own safety. The truth is that doing nothing can make things worse, and the relationship is no longer a private matter when abuse is involved.

In a non-emergency situation, reach out to local police and protective services to request a welfare check. An unexpected visit from authoritative agencies can be the initial stepping stone for someone to leave an abusive situation.